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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in star_spydr's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, April 26th, 2018
2:52 pm
hey y'all
ya ya i havent written in awhile well what can i say things have been a little screwy for me. met this 52 year old chick whos son killed himself awhile ago and ya my dads hom and his apartment was broken into adn i went to his place a weekend ago adn well ya i have just been bumming around i hate i think it doesnt work quite right i got a new cd called recovering teh satlellites by counting crows. i should go.

Current Mood: flirty
Sunday, April 4th, 2004
4:12 pm
hey well hahahaha ya last night wasnt so hot i mean ya it sucked. so ya see here i am working at mrs vnellis tralalalala when low and behgold i look up and BECKYS STANDING THERE!!! how she found out where i worked and where i was at that time i have no idea. so she asked me when i was off i said i had a break at 4 and she said she might be back then. she came around 5 and i didnt see herandwei went to g ndher she ahd literally dsappeared in about 30 seconds. i was so on edge after that i could hardly work if you even touched me i would jump to the roof. i was a fucking mes. why did she come back like that. its not like she called or anything she just showed up. sometimes i think it scares me cuz i never know when she'll just pop out of the middle of know where adn ya it sucked and nowi'm leaving buh bye

Current Mood: aggravated
Thursday, April 1st, 2004
3:44 pm
ok well hi, i think i'm ok. well sorta. i guess i'm just kinda feeling really really really out of it. i work again(i've worked the past 2 days) i think its ok its just kinda well whatever who cares eh?? i dont sleep. i cant eat(cuz of my throat)and i guess i feel really lonely ya know??? kinda i guess like i know all these people but in the end i know really we're just acquaintences and well i dont really hang out with ppl anymore. it makes me amd that corri cant even bother to call me. oh well i guess its for the better. i think shes to busy with her boifriend.....meh. i think i dont know. i go to work. i come home. i do home work. i attempt at sleeping. i wake up or just get up depending. dress. go to school. come home. repeat. kinda really repetitive. i like things whne i dont know whats coming. i like being on edge all the time waiting for the next best thing. hell i like just hanging out with my friends.....but like i have friggin well people who are my friends are always busy working(like me) so we can never get our scheduals straight. my head is killing me. i need to stop thinking this way....oh things are just so mundane. maybe work will be better then school was. i think my schedual doesnt botehr me so much as having all these people but not really knowing any of them and knowing that none of them know me at all. kinda like they know stuff about me but they dont know me inside. they dont know heather. ya know that heather is a whores name???? back when you whore alot easier men would come into a place(bar whatever) and ask for a heather and they would be sent a whore. they where called heathers because heather is a weed. kinda funny. i'm a weed. great. i need out of ehre. i feel like this stupid town is choking me. i cant breathe through the thorns.fuck that.....im done for now......

Current Mood: cranky
Tuesday, March 30th, 2004
9:34 pm
i am sooooo fucking tired and pissed off and upset and al;l i wanna do is cry!!!! i checked my schedual today and i am working when i am s'posed to go c my dad and now i cant go and i havent seen him in like a really long time and well it sucks!!fer godesses fucking sake youd think this would have turned out a bit differently???fuck that...its money

Current Mood: sad
Monday, March 29th, 2004
5:40 pm
hey ya people well i'm very very very very tired. i have not been able to sleep again at night so i come home and i crash for half an ahour and then i get up and do other stuff. i cant even like sleep and i hate it i just lay there staring at my seeling. i think i'm going to pin sailor moon cards up there in a pretty design so i have something nice to look at. its my 1st day of work tomorrow! i hope i'm not like sick or something stupid like that. i would never forgive myself i have never even man been able to get a steady income so i cant screw this up. tomorrow i have anotehr doctors appointment......i'm beginning to think theres soemthing seriously fucked with me i never get any better i just get something else like a continueing line of flus, fevers, planters warts, coughing up bloody gross stuff, infections and shit. its just fucking peachy. i have to help at sparks again tonight. i didnt want to i didnt feel good when i got ome from school. but i guess i'll live. sometimes going to sparks makes em feel better because they are so bright and happy. chrissi's new girlfriend ran away from home...shes really worried cuz she hasnt heard from her. hope she shows up soon. i got my report card...my marks arent that bad i guess the only one thats bad is a 42 in psych and i think thats cuz i dont participatre. what can i say i'm antisocial. anyways i'm gonna go b4 i fall asleep at the computer.....i have to be uyp to keep those 5 year old girls in check.

Current Mood: cynical
Saturday, March 27th, 2004
5:59 pm
i feel like crap...but i got the job
i got an interview with umm who are they again??? oh ya mrs vanellis at the mall so i went and i got the job yay me. i have been so fucking sick tho i hate it. i had to stay home friday cuz i could hardly move my stomache hurt so much i thought i was gonna die. but i had to get over that in time for my interview that after noon. then i had to volunteer at sparks(they had an "enchanted castle" sleepover) and they where up to like 11 30 and i was so friggin exhausted cuz i am a fucking insomniatic and i'm damn sick of it so i conked out eventually and woke up sometime around i dont know 3 30 i think it was then i went home at 10 and took a shower and dressed all goth so people would leave me alone and then i went down town and either people honked at me or they looked at me funny and as long as the cars didnt stop i was fine cuz i really didnt want to talk to anybody at all i just wanted to pass out on the bus! so i went and i got 6 candles, a dragon incense thing to match my other one, spider earrings, food to munch on so i didnt pass out, black stockings and dun dun dun.....an arrow head!!!! oh ya and i black shirt to at good will. then i went home adn passed out on my bed and i woke up and took a bath and ate a popsicle cuz with my damn throat its one of the only things i can eat at the moment i have been popping pills all day so it hurts less. ooooooohhhh speaking of popping pills there was this really really really really really hot chick(at least in my opinion) on the bus and she was taken meds and ppl where like "shes popping pills" and i was like "you morons there tylanol" but ya i wanted to take her home and snuggle with her but i didnt even talk to her hahaha chicken me. she was wearing a pentagram tho...it was pretty almost as pretty as her. man now am regretting not going to talk to her. normally i would have but i was so tired and antisocial i dont think i would have acted like myself. anyways i should go and sleep some more.

Current Mood: crappy
Wednesday, March 24th, 2004
3:57 pm
dragonfly of death
thats me!!! or was me ina past life anyways.....thats what they called me lol. i'm pretty happy right now. i just finished baking more muffins for my brother cuz hes sick in bed with a fever. i talked to chrissi and that was great i cant wait to meet her new girlfriend heather(mouse) she sounds great. i hope chrissi asks her out tonight or else tomorrow shes gonna get it! not to much on tonight. steph was s'posed to come over but she cancelled out on me:( oh well what can ya do. schools fine i think i havent skipped in like forever its crazy. for my project in psychology i chose to do mine on witch craft and the diference between the stereotypes of what they used to look like and the way we look today. of course we never looked like green old hags with warts on the ends of our noses thatw as just used to scare children but i still have to show how people think different now(not much different lol) then they used to. i kinda wanted to do something on the salem witch trials but i dont think its relevent to what i want to do. i have to do an interview and i cant do it with myself i have to get another witch to interview so maybe i'll get corri if i can get 2 seconds of her time someday. it would be great if she could help me out a bit. man now that i think about chrissi and mouse i kinda want a girlfriend:( i guess i shouldnt bother anyways i mean i may be moving and that would just cause alot of pain. anyways i should go!!!

Current Mood: thoughtful
Tuesday, March 23rd, 2004
3:48 pm
where exactly am i???
no i havent lost my memory. i'm just really ouy of it. kc was supposed to have come over but she couldnt oh well. i just finished baking muffins...i think they turned out good. i havent tried them yet tho so i'll have to wait and see. couldnt find chrissi at school today i wonder where she is. man i really dont want to be here right now. you know when i was little i used to scream and scream and scream that i wanted to go home and i already was..well at my house anyways. then about a year ago i met this girl and she was kool her name was kasha. one night she just looked at me and was your not supposed to be here are you??? she was like this isnt your home.....i'm sorry your here. oh whhhaaattt the fuck???i hate dealing with my past life its so confusing all spinning in my head!!! anyways i am going to check out foamy the squarell thing....sounds funny. i'm bored all night so if any of you feel like writing me or calling me go a head cuz i have nothing on at all. got to go.

Current Mood: bored
Monday, March 22nd, 2004
8:37 pm
Ulcers and Infections and a little bit of Munipulating can get you well.....nowhere
so turns out i have an ulcer in my throat and its infected. its been hurting alot lately so i went to thewalk in clinic today and what do you know??? so now i have an antibiotic for it. its one of those plastic pills that are really gross. so now i have to take them until the infection goes away but the ulcer will be there until it naturally heals over. i gues ulcers are like holes...isnt that gross?? me and my mom talked about how manipulating i am today...well only to some people. sometimes i feel abd about it....but sometimes well i dont know what i'm feeling most of the time anyways. its kinda sad that one of the only things i am really good at is manipulating other people. i guess i should take it as a compliment. at least i'm good at something. i saw chrissi at school today so that made me pretty happy. i missed her over march break. tomorrow K.C's coming over so that should be fun. its going to be a very busy week for me. i also want to go see my grandma sometime cuz i never see her anymore and i feel kinda bad about it. my mom wants to see a movie with me friday too. i think its "The passion of the christ" i heard from like3 people that it was just alot of unrelated pain and that the whole thing was just people being whipped. but i told my mom i'd go with her so what the hell. friday i am going to volunteer at the sparks sleep over. that will really help my hours for school. *sigh* i hate being sick. guess i should go.

Current Mood: sick
Sunday, March 21st, 2004
10:15 am
i know i havent written much lately things have been kind of crazy. i found out a girl i had my locker next to all last year is dieing of anorexia and that if she doesnt start to recover soon she will be dead by summer. yesterday me and corri and her friend kat had a little picnic and did a ritual and a couple blessings for ostara otherwise knowen as the spring equinox. it was poring though so our out door picnic was moved to indoors which was ok cuz after we ate and everything we got out my ouija board and messed around with that. Long has been sleeping with me every night and i am wondering if he is sick. i really burned myself yesterday badly. i was baking brownies and in one hand i had a testing stick and the other i had a oven mit on but i accidently used the hand with the stick to pull the rack out so now my one finger is really swollen cuz the oven was at like 350 degrees. my sister came gome today but she is leaving tomorrow i kind of missed her she is cuddling my cat right now. anyways i have to get to church soon. buh byes.

Current Mood: mellow
Monday, March 15th, 2004
8:19 am
hey you guys. its been ok. my dads home and i'm in a good mood. i cleaned my house yesterday. bought new pants from GT there black with zipper things. i cant hear out of my left ear it feels like theres a bubble in it and its not water. this happens aboutn once a year and i end up going to my doctor so they can give me stuff to poor in my ear. i dont really know whats wrong with it tho lol. i havent talked to chrissi in a couple days but i suppose i will see her around spring equinox i think she was going to that. yesteerday while my parents where out at a concert i baked them 2 little cakes and mad a card that said thanks for being the sweetest parents around. it was sappy but i thought i should do something nice for them since i can be a total bitch sometimes when i get moody and depressed. i thought i'd call corri today maybe and see if she wants to hang out but now i'm not so sure its so nice out and i think i just want to sit out side with a good book. i had the weirdest dream last night about dinosaurs that were born in my fingers and they grew there until they were ready to be born and then my finger nails cracked and well they were born!!!! weird eh??? well anyways i better go take a shower or something i must smell....buh byes!!!

Current Mood: lazy
Friday, March 12th, 2004
11:54 am
Sugar Plum Mournings
me and chrissi are skipping again how typical lol. shes still playing piano i like to hear her play cuz my sisters gone and only my brother really does now and hes not that good. roday has been a good day so far. i got one comment from chrissi on my journals. i am going to write out every poem i have ever written and make a book out of it. i am going to call it "bleeding through the pen" which is chrissi journals name i really liked it so ya i'm gonna punk it! i told K.C i would call her on the weekend so we could hang out. i am going to be very busy on this march break. i told k.c, corri and my brother and scott that i would hang out with them all each on seperate days. should be fun!! talked to mallory today she looked good shes been a little social butterfly lately. i went to giant tiger last night and got new black pants they're pretty cool. anyways my stray cat sakura is bugging me so i better go.

Current Mood: loved
Thursday, March 11th, 2004
3:35 pm
hi there everybody whos listening. well today was a good day. in fact it was fucking hilarious. i managed to dis my ex friend and well have a good laugh at myself and other people. anyways scotts comig over soon so......

Current Mood: cheerful
Wednesday, March 10th, 2004
6:26 pm
blood roses on my clothes
ok day i think i mad it through. its the 1st day all wekk that i didnt skip. i didnt see chrissi so i'm kinds wondering where shes got to. i'm really hot. i always get either really hor or really cold when i'm upset or changing emotions. i thought i've writing julie my ex girlfriend a apology letter yesterday(cuz everythings always my fault) but tehn i was like its both are faults and she wouldnt acdept it anyways. i didnt go to diversity group but i might next time which is in a month. dads coming back tomorrow i mean saturday. i'd like to have seen a flower of blood stain my clothes today but i'm better now so its not worth it. i went to corris after school and hung out there and then came home. her puppys are now big enough that i can pick them up. there only keeping one of them tho and selling the rest. i talked to my ex-friend tyler's girlfriend today i think i creeped her out oh well thats what i was going for. hey i could have gone into deep detail about all the sexual incounters i've had with hima dn gone on about how he ahs no back down and a whole lot of other shit. i bet they'll break up eventually. then i can smack him in the face and tell him i told you so lol. the sun is setting its pretty. i like sun sets. its sunrises i cant stand........

Current Mood: hot
Tuesday, March 9th, 2004
7:06 pm
another day. i am now aware of why i am depressed again. i forgot when i take other ppl's problems on myself i start to get depressed. and i mean i just found out today the girl who is pregnant also found out she has a split personality and a shit load of other crap. oh well at least shes back at school. when i was little i used to feel like it was my fault everything was going wrong that my parents always faught and that we had no money and that my dad was not faithful to my mother everything had to be my fault which meant i had to find a way to fix it. then i think one day a couple years ago when i tried to help my friends i realized sometimes i can't help them. sometimes theres nothing to say or do but relish in the silence. sometimes nothing can make the situation better and no matter how hurt they are you can't fix things for them. but since i cant help them i feel like crap cuz i should be able to. its always the could have should have would haves that run through my head why cant i make things better for them lesso there burdens so i burden myself instead. in the end i s'pose its my own damn fault. i havent been sleeping. and i want to so much. i'm on edge and imppatient and bitchy and all iw anna do is pass out on my bed but i am so depressed and scared that i will never sleep i feel. my dad emailed me today. hes coming home this weekend. i hope things will be ok. i really really want them to. i guess theres nothing to do but wait. but i should go before the demons eat my heart...

Current Mood: awake
12:50 pm
bad bad bad bad bad bad bad day. me and chrissi are skipping again. i can't stand school anymore. i really gotta stop tho or else my mom will have my head. i'm so depressed tho. i just cant stand to be there anymore. chrissi's playing the piano. shes so cute. *sigh* why do i feel like noone cares? i feel so.....empty.

Current Mood: restless
Monday, March 8th, 2004
9:28 pm
spelling errors
looking at my spelling you can laugh at me cuz i cant type or spell or anything at all really lol. so laugh...cuz i am.i'm so alone....

Current Mood: lonely
9:17 pm
Anime Porn
so ya my mom found anime porn on the computer that my little brother looks at(hes a sick perv) and i got in trouble for it(it was lesbian porn). so now i'm really pissed off. things have finally settled down for the night. i saw judy tonight she seemed well. i cant skip anymore my mom said one more time and i'm in big shit. but thats ok i really need to go to class and do my work. or i'll never get out of high school. it's 9:20...gotta be early up 2morrow.

Current Mood: listless
4:47 pm
hey again
i really reall really feel like shit. just got back to the mall and now i'm super bored and super sick. and all i wanna do is scream. me and my friend sarah are talking about the bad vibes we've been getting and how something really bad is going to happen soon. shes all witchy just like me!! i am so depresed i think i need more medication anti depressant crap becuase all i really wanna do right now is drag a knife down my wrist to help deal with the pain but i've come so far i wont let myself fall i dont care how i have to hold on i will and never let go to what i have. oh well this is the 1st time i have really truely been depressed ina long time. and i think its just cuz of all the shit thats gone down lately. i know i'll live. 2morrow corri gets offher suspension from school. these guys have been sexualy harassing her from the beginning of the eyar and she got really sick of it so she threatened them and now she got suspended form friday to tomrorrow. i've decided not to go to the diversity group anymore because iw as under the impression that whats said in there stays in there and it obviously doesnt so thats it i'm through. besides i'm fine with my sexuality its everyone else who has a problem with it lol. my mom is ona diet and shes lost 40 some what pounds and its insane i swear shes almost gonna be as small as me!!! guess what?? i may be moving in with my dad!! i'm very excited i hope it works out this way. this small little town is driving me insane. i want out of here!! hey y'know what??? i think i'm not so sepressed anymore. chrissi was right. this really does help!

Current Mood: cold
2:45 pm
o ya i think you should know i have to volunteer at sparks tonight and i feel so much like shit i really dont want to....awww well

Current Mood: bitchy
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